I’ve got a show tomorrow at the Broadway Comedy Club!

7:00, $15 cover/2 drink min/SMILES MANDATORY!!!!!!

Hahahaha but seriously, you guys, you’re going to love it.  You’re just… ahh, you’re just gonna love it.

Facebook event linkage

Sean's Probably False Lost Theories, Part 2

Well, shit. Quite a premiere.  I’d like to touch on a few of the theories I spat out in my previous post, mouth-fart out a few more, and then fumble around with the Season 6 premiere, handling it much like a daytime drinker handles money: sloppily and forgetting where much of it went.

This is the third and last time I’m going to tell you to go read the Time Loop Theory.

Most of my previous predictions were pretty open-ended, and for good reason.  I know Lost well enough by now to know that I (and every other human on planet earth) have no idea where this thing will end up.  I make that statement fully aware of the fact that Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse are both humans on planet earth.  So I’m making very general points.  For funzies.

Nothing arose to really disprove any of my (admittedly broad) theories.  We now know Esau (Jacob’s nemesis) is the smoke monster, and I had allowed for him to be some sort of supernatural entity.  Regarding supernatural entities, however, I want to refine my theory on Jacob and Esau.  It’s pretty obvious that something is going on with Jacob, more so than with any other human on the island, but I still think it’s possible that he is, at least originally, a human being.

However, this being Lost, everyone is wrong about everything, and so Jacob is probably more than human.  Should it turn out that Jacob is supernatural, I think it’ll turn into Jacob and Esau being two sides of the same supernatural coin.

“No kidding Sean, you mean this show’s about DUALITY? Like Yin and Yang shit?  Gee, I guess I’ve been watching a totally different show than you have, because I totally missed every game of Othello in this one.”

Thanks, asshole-who-lives-in-my-brain (you sound a lot like Scott, by the way).  Of course it’s no surprise to have Jacob and Esau be opposites of each other, but I think it’ll be more than one is good/light, one is bad/dark.  Here’s my prediction: Esau is the Island itself, its spirit, its protector.  Jacob is the rest of the world, trying to fix the Island.  The Island doesn’t want to be fixed.  This would also play into the Destiny/Fate vs Free Will/Choice theme; the island refuses to be what it’s expected to be, and the world is struggling to make it fall in line.

Aside from all that, nothing else will be supernatural, everything will lie in science.  Souls, minds, time travel, dimensions, all of it - it will all be caused by, a result of, or explained through science.  Mark my words.

I want to see the Hurley bird, Dharma shark, Adam and Eve, and other small things on the Island be explained, but in the long haul, those really aren’t important to the overarching epic mystery.  The writers have enough on their hands trying to wrap up this mammoth of a story, so many things are going to fall by the wayside.  For the most part, the things I’m pondering here are things that I believe need to be cleared up.

New theories!  We’ve got two new realities now.  I read someone call them “Island Reality” and “Plane Reality”, which works great for me.  If you’ve seen the premier, you know which realities are which, and if you haven’t seen the premier, then how have you even read this far?

Honestly, I’m totally in the dark about Island Reality.  I’m glad it’s still here, but I have no idea how that’s going to be justified.  I’m sure something crazy will fall out of my brain and onto your screen soon enough, though, so stay tuned.

But Plane Reality.  I’ve heard a lot of theories, mostly revolving around this premise: The bomb worked, and everyone’s minds got scienced into their bodies in this new reality, where Oceanic 815 landed in LAX safely and never crashed.  Interesting, but I disagree.  Forget that Island Reality exists, for a moment.  Everyone in 1977 Dharmaville (Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Juliette, Miles, Hurley, Sayid, etc) was there from the future.  Meanwhile, their younger selves in the outside world were continuing on with their lives.  Sawyer said it himself- he could have gotten off the island, found his father, and stopped him from killing his mother and himself.  People were being born, growing up, living lives separately from those living on the Island.  Those people, the ones native to this new timeline, grew up and eventually found their way to Oceanic 815, totally unaffected by Jacob or Esau or the Island or anything.  By any definition, these are different people, with different minds, or souls, unshaped by anything their counterparts in other timelines/dimensions did.  Perhaps this is simply the nature of time travel, or perhaps this is something relatively new.  My point is, these are essentially new characters, and cannot be held responsible for the actions of their counterparts.

Making little to no sense yet? No? Let me try a little harder.

Claire’s missing still.  I think she’s not in her right mind- she’s being manipulated or outright mind-controlled.  There’s got to be more to her just walking away from her baby in the jungle, after all she’s been through for Aaron.

Once again, Locke will not stay dead, at least in the sense that he is now.  Number one, he’s far too great a character for the writers to toss off like that.  Two, he’s come so, so far as a character, as a man, as a leader and as a hero, for him to die right as we enter the home stretch.  Jack vs Locke has to be a conflict that goes right up to the bitter end.  No one else on the island is on Jack’s level, no one else can make that tension as palpable and intense as Locke.  Like I said, Locke will be able to actively affect the outcome of events on the island in Season 6.

Bum, bum, bum… Ooh, Richard was one of the slaves on the Black Rock?  Maybe.  That’s a little easy, though.

And apparently the compass comes from consumemylovedevourmyhate’s butt.

One final note about the premier, then bed me for time it is.  I’ve been awake too long, my structure’s beginning sentence to affected by be ass my sleep-deprived.

After Season 5’s explosive finale, the big question was, “Did it all reset? Or are they still on the island? A or B?” Once again, Lost proved it’s the only show on television that no one can predict by not giving us A, or B, or even an unimagined C. They gave us both A and B. And kudos to them for doing it.  Lost has always taken risks and has always asked for patience, which has been rewarded.  It cut itself off after six seasons.  It asked mainstream American television viewers to follow a time-travel plot too complex for most episodes of Star Trek.  It mixed in heavy philosophical and literary references, and expected you, the viewer, to do some thinking of your own.  I’ve heard people decry getting A and B together as a lazy out, or a way to appeal to everyone, but I think those people just need to be patient.  It’s paid off before.

How many times have you found yourself in an argument with someone on the internet, and the only way you could prove your point beyond the shadow of a doubt is by showing them a picture of an old person with a firearm?

Think of all the punchlines you could have NAILED, had only a simple picture of an old person wielding a firearm been readily available.

Friend, I used to count myself among those thousands of unfortunate people who have lived these instances or literally 9 others others just like them. Then I went and created www.OldPeopleWithFirearms.tumblr.com.

Finally, a place where there’s one new picture of an old person with a firearm, and a witty caption, every day. A place where you’ll always have a retort for, “I bet your Granny’s a sissy!” Because I care.

One new picture of an old person with a firearm, every day. And that’s a promise.

Sean's Probably False Lost Theories

I want to write down all my theories about Lost here before I see any of Season 6, then look back at the end of it all to see how far off I was.

First off, read the Time Loop Theory.  When it all comes down, I think that guy’s going to be the closest.

Walt and Aaron- I think Walt and Aaron are going to have something HUGE to do with the future of the island. Either with stopping someone from destroying it, or providing a means to resurrect Jacob (if he stays dead after the bomb).

Locke will not stay dead, at least in the sense that he was dead at the end of Season 5.  Locke’s going to be able to actively affect the outcome of events on the island.

I don’t think we’ll see it get too “supernatural” or “religious”, as in gods and demons and all that.  Anyone with seemingly unnatural powers or abilities (Walt, Jacob, Locke, Richard, etc) are normal people communing in a special way with the island, a highly abnormal place.

The Others are descendants of the Black Rock, and the Black Rock is the ship that Jacob saw on the horizon in Season 5.

Jacob and his nemesis- I’ve heard him called Esau before, and I like that.  I’ll call him that from now on. 
Jacob is a human being made of flesh, blood, and DNA.  He understands the island better than anyone else, and has been able to harness its abilities to make himself appear more than human.  But at a terrible cost, which is why he’s always needing a human mediator (Ben, Whidmore, Locke).  I realize I’ll probably be most wrong about this prediction.

Esau is the only character on the show that I think could have any chance of being “supernatural”, or more than human, in any way.  I think he’s either the island itself made manifest, or the being, creature, or force that gives the island its unique properties.  He also either controls the smoke monster, or is the smoke monster.

I’m heading out to a Lost party, so I’ll wrap this up for now and post some more stuff tomorrow, as well as my initial reactions to the premiere.

Update: I just stumbled upon something huge.  Richard gives Locke a compass that Locke later gives to Richard when he goes back time, who then gives it to Locke when he meets up with him in future, who then gives it to Richard when he goes back in time, who gives it back to Locke when he…

Where the hell did that compass come from?

There's a new DragonForce video.

Heroes of Our Time.

[opens in YouTube]

Not quite as epic in scope as some of their previous outings, though their hair seems to be much longer.

If you’re paying attention, you’ll notice at the beginning of the video that DragonForce’s new headquarters is a remote government science outpost hidden in a vast, mysterious desert [possibly Tatooine].  This institution’s seemingly sole purpose is the pilot flight of “Ultra Beatdown”, a new, obviously devastating weapon designed to elicit pants-shittingly high levels of fear in test subjects.

DragonForce’s function while on this base is to provide it with its only source of power- rock.  You’ll notice the engines only reach their full charge when Herman Li and Sam Totman unleash their fingers upon the fretboards, clearly igniting invisible fires everywhere.

Finally, thanks to DragonForce’s new highly-renewable energy source, the base is ready to launch Ultra Beatdown.  Ultra Beatdown appears to be an individual rocket pod for each band member to sail through space in, having adventures and exploring the universe together.

Whatever you do, do NOT push the button this time.